Eating a Fry Off The Floor in Public

There was a lone french fry lying on the carpeted floor almost under a table in the busy Sports Center Cafe. I pointed it out to my exercise partner. And I said, "There are people who would offer you money to pick that up off the floor and eat it, but I'm not one of them."

"Five dollars."

"What?"

"I'd do it for five dollars," he told me and sipped his coffee.

Of course, he surfs in the shark infested waters of North Carolina every day, for hours, and for fun.

Later that day I recounted the situation to my wife. "A million dollars," she said.

"Wow," I replied. "I was thinking more like a thousand."

That's a big gap, I thought, between five dollars and a million, or even a thousand.

Disgust and desire. We're all different in how we react to each. But we all do react. We find certain things disgusting, and others desirable. Disgust is usually associated with an underlying perception of risk, and desire with a lure of reward. A fry on the floor, I'd prefer to avoid. Money, I can always use to good effect.

Now, let's take a big step back from disgust. There's another, lesser, and much more common negative category - dislike. There are many things we dislike that don't in any way disgust us. We just find them unpleasant. They hold no intrinsic attraction at all. In fact, to the contrary, we'd rather not do them. But the problem is that we often have to, for the sake of some related need, or a greater good.

Suppose, for example, that you don't like to travel. But a job that could pay very well demands it. Is there a number, a salary, a financial scenario, that will make you take that job, despite its involving what you dislike? Or consider another possibility: You have an idea for a new business. But starting up a new company will demand almost all your time. You'll hardly see your spouse or your children, for at least the first two or three years. Is there a number that would motivate you to do it? Do you think there's a number that would motivate them to want you to do it? Your answers will tell you something about your values, and also how you think of theirs.

We make choices all the time. Life is just a string of choices. How do you make yours? What are you willing to do to get what you want? What would you give up? What would you take on? Do you decide and choose wisely? Do you consider the costs? The risks? The downsides? Or are you more typically just fixated on the positive possibilities? Too many of us get so mesmerized by what we desire that we take on far too much of what we dislike. And some people who make a life of doing that end up with a situation the eventually evokes their own disgust. Let's try hard not to be among them.

My friend sees a french fry on the floor and sees an easy five bucks. I just see grossness and germs. My wife apparently sees the Bubonic Plague. How you view the challenges and opportunities of the world says a lot about you. And considering such scenarios can be a path of new self knowledge.

I'd like to recommend that path. But I just have one question: Would you like fries with it?

The Blowtorch Mistake

Don't use a blowtorch to light your cigar. You know the problem. It's the same as swatting a fly with a sledgehammer. I prefer to open the door and let it out. But that's another issue. The problem I want to focus on now is that of using the wrong tool for a job, and one that's far too sweeping or powerful for the precise need you have.

Consider the common problem of anxiety. Any focused form of anxiety typically arises out of a belief or expectation that one or more of our desires will not be satisfied. You want to get the deal or ace the exam and you're afraid you won't. You hope to win the new client or get a standing ovation, and worry that you'll fail. 

We aim for something high, and fear the world may give us only something low. That's what I like to call the disappointment gap. It's possible that what happens will be greatly disappointing. So we get nervous or grow anxious.

Some extremist philosophers historically have said, "Shed all your beliefs, and you'll shed your anxiety." Others haver counseled, "Get rid of all desires, and you'll get rid of your anxiety." But either of those strategies is lighting your cigar with a blowtorch. It's not necessary. It's going too far. And it's dangerous in its own way.

The middle path is simpler. I think you're in trouble if you believe too much or believe too little. I'm convinced that it's a problem if you desire too much or desire too little. The key is having the right beliefs and the right desires, and using your mind properly in your governance of your beliefs, your desires, and your actions. That advice won't fit easily onto a bumper sticker. But neither will your life.

And the more general advice here is in fact simple. Use the right tool for the right job. And you can slap that one on the bumper with so much glue that it will take a blowtorch to get it off.

Our Desires and the World

"Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished." - Daniel Gilbert.

It's often been said that there are two big-scale strategies for living:

1. Seek to conform the world to your desires.

2. Seek to conform your desires to the world.

The idea behind the choice is that unhappiness resides in a gap between our desires and the way things are in the world around us. If we can eliminate the gap, theorists reason, unhappiness will vanish with it. And, obviously, the two strategies outlined in such stark simplicity are two ways of effecting that elimination.

But. of course, this, like many things that are often said, is just wrong. It presumes that our desires are either perfectly Ok as they are, at any given time, and should be imposed on the world around us, or that they are always wrong, in some sense, and in need of replacement by alternatives that reflect the way things already are. The truth is more balanced and more liberating than either alternative would suggest.

At any given time, for the vast majority of us, some of our desires are altogether proper, and some aren't. Of the latter, some aren't realistic regarding what's possible, others are not right for who we are, and still others are just, in some other sense, wrong ill-formed, or ill-advised. There's an old motivational adage, "If you can dream it, you can do it." But this saying, on top of its magical thinking, brackets the question of whether a particular dream should be ushered into reality.

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert had it right. We're all works in progress. That means that we can and should change. But so should the world around us. We're all in a state of becoming. And so is the world. We're here to learn and to make, to grow and to influence. Some of our desires should be the basis for goals, and for changing the world around us. Some of them should be merely the basis for new levels of self knowledge, and then should be set aside as we grow and mature and become more perceptive.

The potter molds the clay. The clay molds the potter. The former is quick and clear. The latter is slow and subtle.

We properly seek to conform the world to some of our desires. And we properly seek to conform other desires to what we learn from the world. Then, we also rightly develop new desires and insightful aspirations that will transform us within, and perhaps, in that way, allow us to creatively transform the world around us, as well. But this insight doesn't as easily fit onto a bumper sticker or T shirt. And it's important to realize that we need not desire it to.