When Things Go Wrong

We live in a world where things often go wrong. In fact, you can divide all of your life into three basic kinds of time segments:

1. The time when you're waiting for something to happen, wanting it to happen, and perhaps doing all you can to make it happen,

2. The time when it either happens, and you're glad, maybe even elated, or perhaps relieved, or else,

3. The time when it was supposed to happen and didn't, and you're either sad, or mad, discouraged, or even worse.

In the book by Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha, published in 1922, which I wrote about yesterday, there's one very interesting story. The young man Siddhartha is working for a very successful and wealthy businessman. The rich man is always worried about something, or angry when anything doesn't go right. Siddhartha is never worried or angry. He treats business like a sport to play, and in a very pure way, where he simply enjoys the playing, without any concern about who wins or loses. And because of his attitude, he wins much more often than he loses.

One day, he makes a trip to a distant town where he's hoping to purchase a crop that he and his partner can then resell for a major profit. But when he arrives at the town, he learns the deal has already been made, with someone else. Rather than reacting with sadness, anger, frustration, irritation, regret, resentment, concern or worry, fuming that he's wasted all the time and energy of travel for nothing, he quickly turns nothing into something. He meets the people of the town and gets to know them. He visits with them, eats with them, and plays with their children. He has a wonderful time making new friends with those who will probably now very much want to do business with him in the future. His older partner wouldn't likely have done any of this, but would typically have stormed off in a huff, furious that he'd missed the great opportunity he'd pursued.

A CEO once told me that it's his job to worry. And from what I could see, he does it very well. But is that really a mission critical job? What does his worry accomplish that simple planning, checking, and exercising vigilant care couldn't do? I can't see how the worry, the tension of anxiety, adds anything to the mix of productive endeavor. Most negative emotions, in most situations, are the same. Our hero, Siddhartha, by not worrying or allowing any negative emotions to overtake him, was easily able to turn nothing into something. He showed how we can all be opportunistic in a very positive way, at those times when things initially don't seem to go our way, and, in fact, in almost any situation in which we find ourselves. We can deal positively and creatively with whatever happens, and make the best of it.

And I can't think of anything better than that.

Heavy and Hot Emotions

Why are there so many angry people in the world? At the gym the other day, some of us were talking about this. And I have a simple hypothesis. Anger is often an avoidance response.

Here's what I mean: Many people who express anger over little things, or even for no apparent reason at all, are subconsciously attempting to deflect an experience of certain other emotions that they will do almost anything to avoid.

This is the idea. There are certain heavy emotions like sadness, grief, disappointment, anxiety, discouragement, fear, and guilt. Such feelings can weigh on us. They can bring us down. We can be terribly oppressed by them. And when we acknowledge and express these emotions, that often just makes us feel worse. We wallow. We're stricken. We're crushed even lower.

And, on another side of the negativity spectrum, there are hot emotions like frustration, irritation, and - most of all - anger. When you express these emotions, it can be cathartic. You release the negative energy. You get it out. You stomp your foot, or throw a book, or punch a pillow. You curse. You send the power of the feelings through your voice or limbs and actively discharge it out into the world where you think it can't hurt you. Well, maybe you don't do this, but many people do.

You may know people who act like this all the time. In a situation where another person in their place would be feeling bad, or sad, or anxious, they instead turn the tables and attack someone who happens to be nearby, and often for transparently bogus reasons. But by doing this, they send any unpleasant inner energy they might be feeling out into the world for other people to deal with. They've transformed their guilt into offense, or their anxiety into rage. There's nothing wrong with them, they think. It's you, or the boss, or the neighbor, or the colleague, or the so-called friend who's just a jerk and the only source of any real problems in the situation.

It seems like many people won't allow themselves an authentic experience of the heavy emotions and, to avoid one or more of them, will deflect and externalize in these ways, instead. So, when you find yourself in the midst of an explosion of some hot emotion on the part of anyone close to you, and you can't figure out how it makes any sense in context, or in its degree or focus, consider that it may simply be avoidance behavior. It may be deflecting something deeper and too heavy to bear. And then, the only effective way to respond is to try to help your irate friend identify and deal with the real source of the problem, to the extent that he or she will let you. Otherwise, just let it go. It's not really about you, or the boss, or the neighbor, at all.

At least, that's my opinion as a simple philosopher utterly untrained in psychology, or psychiatry, or any of the disciplines that would actually cost you something to consult on such an issue. But then again, as they say, you get what you pay for. And if you disagree with me, just don't get hot about it. Ok?

Anger. Grrrrr.

How often do you feel angry? I hope it's a rare experience. Aristotle taught us that there's nothing intrinsically wrong with this emotion. It can be rational and appropriate, but only with the right reason, toward the right object, in the right measure, and for the right amount of time. Anger toward an injustice can rouse us to work to stop it. It can light our fuse and get us moving. But if it continues to burn, then we're going to be the ones incinerated by it.

Frequent anger is corrosive to the soul. It's a poison. And we need to understand it better in order to avoid it more.

Anger often arises from fear or frustration. When you feel it welling up in you, you should ask, "What am I afraid of here?" Or "What's frustrating me right now, and what can I do about it?"

If something's bothering you that you can change, then action is better than anger. If it's something you truly can't do anything about, then acceptance beats anger any day.

The more often you feel this emotion, the more you should analyze your fears and frustrations. If you can deal with them properly, then this inner disruption will not bother you so much, but rather, literally, leave you in peace.

And, ultimately, it's only from a state of inner peace that we can best face new challenges and situations that would otherwise spark in us fear or frustration.

When we deal properly with the inner causes of anger, the results can be grrrrrrreat!