The Obstacle as the Way

The bestselling author Ryan Holiday recently interviewed me for his mega email newsletter and sent me gift copies of some of his books. Today I just finished his empowering short book, The Obstacle is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph. Ryan presents the essence of stoic philosophy for modern living. Every obstacle is an opportunity for something good. It's up to us to use that obstacle to find the way forward, learning and growing as a result.

We waste too much time on irritation, frustration, anger, despondency, and sadness when things go wrong. We're in a world where things often will go differently than we expected and hoped, but rather than this being something we should be mad about, it's something we should accept, explore, and use well. How? By developing a can-do attitude in the toughest of situations. There's always a way forward. There's something to be learned. There's growth to be had. Maybe there's a new path to your goal, or a new goal that will be even better.

On reading Ryan’s fun and useful book, I became aware at a deeper level that my book The Oasis Within, and the Egyptian novels to which that is a prologue, are a deeply stoic study in exactly how to implement the wisdom of the ages wherever we are, and whatever we face.

In this book, Ryan is a stoic cheerleader for any of us who feel burdened, or blocked, frustrated, or frantic. He will help you to calm down, focus on the right things, and take action that will matter. Do yourself a favor. If you don't already know the stoics, get this book (after reading my own on the topic - The Stoic Art of Living - Ha!). If you do, you'll still enjoy its breezy conversational cadences and reminders through lots of great stories of how we human beings can make things work for us well, even the toughest of things!

Find the book HERE.

Dare Greatly

In a Cadillac advertisement on the back page of the new edition of Esquire, we find this:

It is not the critic who counts: The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

It's an inspiring, shortened version of a famous statement by Theodore Roosevelt, worth representing in its entirety, because it's worthwhile to read and ponder the words again, and the additional thoughts and images that we all need to keep in view:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

The Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca wrote vividly about a boxer who was bruised and bloodied in the ring, knocked down, but not knocked out, as being the only one who could bring to the next contest the deep confidence that never comes until you've had your teeth rattled and had the breath pounded out of you and outlasted the onslaught. The challenges, bumps, and bruises of life are to be used by us to strengthen our souls, and they alone prepare us for becoming and being the best we're capable of being. So, when they come, use them well, and proudly. 

In the end, it's not the critics, but the struggling creators, who prevail.

Own Your Struggles

Own your struggles. They can be your strength.

Honor your scars. They can mark your progress. 

Embrace your darkness. Squeeze from it your light.

Appreciate your failures. They are your teachers.

Cherish your hopes. They are your guiding stars.

Defeat, Rejection, and Victory

"No matter how often you are defeated, you are born to victory." Emerson.

No one is in the world for the purpose of failure. No one was born because there was a need for more rejection, dismissal, and defeat.

Too many people operate on the old “Three strikes and you’re out” mentality. I once had a professor who gave me some unsolicited but very helpful advice about submitting articles to professional philosophy journals for possible publication. He said: “Don’t even THINK about being discouraged until you’ve been rejected at least six times!” Shortly after that conversation, my first book was rejected thirty six times. At that point, I must admit that I was thinking very seriously about being discouraged. It was an obvious option. Depression was even a possibility. But the thirty seventh publisher I approached said yes. And I was a published author at the age of twenty-two.

One author I’ve heard about has wall-papered his office with rejection letters. Some of the top all time hit songs have been recorded by performers who were told repeatedly that they had no chance at all. There are great actors whose first two or three or seven movies were all bombs.  We won't even speak of all the actors who dream about being in any kind of movie, even a terrible one, while they finish yet another long shift as waiters in LA restaurants, or clerks in stores there. How many times have they heard "No"? 

A professor out west mailed his prized manuscript to a major publisher hoping for a quick ascent to fame and fortune. A month later, an envelope arrived by return mail containing literally the ashes of his hard work.

Don’t let little defeats get you down. Even repeated defeats. As Emerson said a hundred and fifty years ago, we are indeed all born to victory. We can rise again from any ashes we encounter.

"We Forget How to Fall."

Reflecting on the fact that older people often sustain serious injury when they fall down, my workout partner mused one day that, "We forget how to fall." He's a lifetime surfer and skateboarder. At the age of 51, he falls all the time. And he heartily recommends it. "When you know how to fall, you don't get hurt so badly."

As kids, we fell down all the time. It was just a part of daily life. We fell down and we got back up. We fell running, and on our bikes, and in all kinds of ways. We didn't get discouraged, or distraught, or too badly bruised, at least most of the time. But, as adults, we forget how to fall, both literally and metaphorically, and so, when it does happen, we get seriously hurt, discouraged, and distraught.

Falling is, of course, a well known and much used image for failure. As kids, we tried new things all the time, and rarely got them right the first time. But, for the most part, we didn't let that bother us. We adjusted, adapted, and usually, after a time, prevailed. Sure, someone had to patch the knees of our pants, but that was almost a sign of honor, wasn't it? We were out there in the world doing things. We were active. We were brave. Falling down was just a natural part of it.

And it always is. Don't be afraid to fall down. In fact, try new little things so that maybe you can get some practice again at falling down, if you haven't had a tumble in a while. And then roll with it. Don't be tense. Be flexible, and go with it. Then just get up and try again.

The importance of those childhood lessons never goes away. Just remember: Falling is a stage of learning, and an early stepping stone to mastery. Fall often. And fall well.

Failure and Success

The pond guy, Thoreau, once said, "Men are born to succeed, not to fail," and he got it mostly right. But here's the problem. We're actually born to fail a lot along the way, because that's the only way we truly succeed. We have to take our lumps to learn our lessons. But that's not meant to be the end of the game. It's not meant to be easy, but it is meant ultimately to be about success, in the right ways.

Don’t we sometimes feel as if the cards are stacked against us in this life? Think about the obstacles you’ve had to face whenever you’ve tried to do anything new and different. It can sometimes feel like life itself is just one long uphill battle.

It’s interesting in this regard to look into the biographies of very successful people. What’s amazing is that there is a nearly universal pattern to so many of their lives. Talent and hard work initially get rewarded with encouragement and nurture, only to be set up for rejection and failure. Repeated rejection. And perplexing failure. The talented individual almost gives up in a Dark Night of the Soul. Any “reasonable” person would. But somehow, our hero shows an almost supernatural ability to stick it out though all the tough times, and finally emerges into public view as an overnight sensation.

You know the old saying: “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” The fact is that we're all born multi-talented. No one utterly lacks talent. And nobody has just one. We’re also born with the ability to discover our talents, along with the will power that it takes to develop them. If we don’t give up. If we stick with the process. We finally learn what we were born to achieve. And in that respect, Thoreau was right. It's ultimately not failure that's meant for us as the last verdict, but success - a form of success that is right for each of us. But it takes that ongoing process. And that process will involve lots of trouble along the way. Remember that today. You were born to succeed. After all that failure. So go do it.

Seneca on Difficulties and Confidence

Difficulties and confidence: On a superficial consideration, they might seem to be inversely related - the more you have of one, the less you'll have of the other. But allow me to quote one of my favorite philosophers, the prominent first century Roman lawyer, and advisor to very successful people, Seneca. These are his thoughts, in my own translation from The Stoic Art of Living:

"The powers we have can never inspire in us a genuine inner self-confidence until we have confronted many difficulties along the way, and even now and then have had to struggle fiercely with them. This is the only way our true spirit can ever really be tested - the inner spirit we have that will never consent to be ruled by outer forces. The nature of such a spirit can be seen in the fact that no prizefighter can go into a contest with high spirits if he has never been beaten black and blue. The only man who can enter the ring with confidence is one who has seen his own blood, had felt his teeth rattled by an opponent's fist, has been tripped up and has experienced the full force of an adversary's charge, who has been knocked down in body, but not in spirit - one who, as often as he falls, gets up again with greater determination than ever." (Epistulae Morales, I.75)

In another place, Seneca goes so far as to say:

"Disaster is virtue's opportunity."

Disaster. Catastrophe. Failure. Disappointment. It's all about how we react to difficulties. Do they weaken us and take us down, or strengthen us and build us up? To an amazing extent, and within an extraordinarily wide range of circumstances, that's largely up to us. And in responding well to the trouble we face in our own lives, we can be an example to others of what it's like to be knocked down, but not knocked out.

Weight Room Wisdom: Part Two

A few more recent insights from my daily time in the gym:

Lesson Four: Perspectives can work, excuses won’t.

One day, while we were still in the weight room, but as we were getting ready to leave, my workout partner Don packed up and said, “Ok. Great workout! See you tomorrow.” I replied, “Well, I don’t know. It’s supposed to rain really hard tomorrow.” He said, “Not in here.” I had to laugh.

There’s a lesson to be had in that response. By our attitudes, we can magnify or reduce the significance of obstacles that come out way. Why should we ever do anything to magnify the problems and inconveniences we face? And yet, it’s every bit as common as it is irrational and self defeating. Excuses are easy. We should do our best to avoid them, and take a more pro-active attitude in whatever challenge we face. We always have the freedom to adopt a more useful perspective on any tough situation than appearances alone might suggest.

Lesson Five: Two of the most liberating words in the world are: “So what?”

On another day recently, Don introduced me to a powerful personal philosophy embodied in the two words: “So What?” He told me about a recent time when he got to the gym with shorts and T-shirt but realized he had forgotten his workout/running shoes. He first thought was, “Oh, no.” But then, he immediately reversed course and said, “So what?” And he got to it. If you’re not wearing two thousand dollar handmade Silvano Lattansi brogues, go work out anyway.

So, suppose you show up at an event and discover that, through no fault of your own, you’re improperly attired. So what? Go on in with confidence. You get to a meeting and realize you didn’t bring some paperwork you had wanted to have. So what? Don’t stress out. That helps nothing. In any situation where a valuable goal is in play and a challenge or unexpected difficulty arises, this is a great inner response. When we learn to shed the dread, we up our game and improve our prospects for positive outcomes.

I’ve learned that The “So what?” Philosophy can work in many useful ways. You’re hesitating to make an important call or send a crucial email. You may get rejected, or worse, ignored. So what? Do it anyway. You’re trying something new and worry that you might fail badly. So what? Failure is more often than not a necessary prelude to success. Of course, such an application of the “So What?” Philosophy doesn’t depend on believing that nothing really matters, only that so much of what we fear and worry about doesn’t.

As an addendum, hours after I wrote this, Don showed up for the daily workout and discovered in his car that he had left his gym bag at home. He had on long pants, his work shoes, and a golf shirt, the outfit he had worn for calling on clients that morning. His attitude, once more: So what? He found a dirty balled up t-shirt in the car, put that on, and had a good workout.

Lesson Six: It’s important to have fun.

In the weight room, we work hard, but we also have fun. My friend Don is 51 and surfs many times a week, and skateboards, and fishes, and bowls, and plays golf and tennis, planning all this around his work, so that there’s always plenty of time for fun. How many of us do that? As he said to me the other day, “Most people our age seem to think they’ve grown out of the fun stuff they enjoyed earlier in life and have to give it up. Why? We should always have fun, as much as we can.” That seems to be a great life philosophy, and even one you could build a beer commercial around.

Have fun in your work. Have fun at home. Have fun whenever you can. But, you might worry, maybe the serious people around you will think you’re crazy.

So what?

Weight Room Wisdom: Part One

I’ve picked up some big insights at the sports center that I visit daily for the very different purpose of picking up heavy weights and putting them back down again. Or maybe I should say that I’ve picked up new perspectives on some things that we all sort of know, but need to be reminded of, now and then, and vividly see in action.

Lesson One: When you work hard to be strong, unexpected benefits follow.

I’m 62 years old. When I was a youth of 58 and a half, I decided to get serious about exercise, and especially weight lifting. I started working out two hours a day and did that for a year, before I had to cut back to an hour or so a day.  Life has its demands.

A month into my new routine, a guy came up to me one day and said, “You make more noise than anybody else in here.” I replied, “Yeah? You should have heard me get up in the mornings and walk to the bathroom before I started doing this.” I’d been nothing but one big ache of stiffness and pain in the early mornings before I launched into my new routine of serious weights. And, within weeks, all that tightness and soreness just vanished, as an unexpected side effect of what I was doing.

My new friend then said to me “You’re the only person in here I see really working hard. We should work out together.” And we have now, for three years. In addition, I’ve developed friendships with fellow lifters who are at many different stages of life - in their teens, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, and beyond. How often does that happen these days? The weight room has become a social club and mutual support society, where we talk about life and philosophize each day, between sets. We get stronger. But we also get wiser together.

Lesson Two: We need encouragement in our lives - to get it, and to give it.

My workout partner is Don Sharp, a guy who’s lifted weights seriously since his teenage years. He’s a dedicated surfer, skateboarder, disc-golfer, tennis player, regular golfer, bowler, fisherman, and runner, among other things, and is more physically active every day than anyone I’ve ever known. He said he came over to talk to me that day in the gym because he could see that I really cared about what I was doing. I was completely committed, and going all-out. He wanted to be around a kindred spirit. And now, due to his constant encouragement and informal coaching, I’ve done things that I, on my own, would have thought  impossible.

Let me give you an example. I had never done the common exercise called bench press. But one day, I saw a guy about my age benching 85 pounds, ten reps, and so I tried it and realized, “Ok, I can do this.” It quickly became my favorite part of a workout. You get to lie down to exercise. Always good. And every day I did it, I’d try a little more. I’d up the weight, or the reps, or the sets. Don would say “Good job!”, "Come on - you got it!", "Doing great!" and often, “Let’s go higher today! You can do it!” And we did. Spurred by all the encouragement, I got lots stronger.

I recall vividly the first days, after I got into my sixties, that I benched 300 pounds, and then 305, and 310, and now at age 62, 315. It was in large part due to Don’s ongoing challenges and encouragements and congratulations for my successes and failures. Once, it was all I could do to get 10 reps at 200 pounds. Now I can do 40. It really astonishes me.

And, along the way, I've learned something profound about encouragement. I had never been congratulated on failing before. But for three years now, whenever I’ve tried for a higher weight and initially not gotten it, Don enthusiastically congratulates me for trying. He reminds me that, “Very few people even try.” And he points out, again and again, that trying and failing at something new is the most common first step to nailing it later. The process of success has already begun.

The power of our words and our thoughts is amazing. I’m trying to watch what I eat this week. In six days, I’ve shed five pounds. I sometimes feel unpleasantly hungry, but say to myself, “Ah, the feeling of success!” Early stages of any worthwhile process can often seem unpleasant or difficult. We can misstep, and fall down, and fail. But how we think about these things can make a huge difference. When we encourage ourselves, and each other, in our efforts, whatever we’re doing is easier. Don has reminded me of the power of encouragement. I now make sure to encourage him in turn, and myself. It makes a big difference.

We all need encouragers in our lives. And we all need to be encouragers for others. We need to remind the people around us how important their efforts are, and how difficulties and even failures can be stepping stones that are worth congratulating. That’s how great things can happen.

Lesson Three: We become like the people we’re around, in unexpected ways.

I’ve certainly become much more physically strong because of my time at the gym, and some of the other guys there have clearly become more philosophical. I pay more attention to what I eat. And I take advantage of little opportunities throughout the day to go on a quick walk, or drop and do some pushups, or a set of sit-ups in the middle of the workday. When I was only around professional philosophers, I pretty much just pondered a lot.

Don is in food sales. Tony has a car repair shop. Chip’s retired. T Ryder’s a headhunter for Silicon Valley. There are doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, CEOs, students, and people of so many different talents, all there to get stronger. We keep each other going. We learn new things almost every day. Most of the guys are younger than me, but just by being around them, I think I’m catching up. 

Who are you around? What are you picking up? What are you becoming, as a result? We easily forget how much the phenomenon of “social tuning” means in our lives. Kindred spirits kindle great things.

Tomorrow, I'll share a few more of my weight room epiphanies, beginning with a funny and powerful perspective on excuses thanks to my lifting partner, who has no time for them.