Contentment

Contentment.

Happiness depends on a measure of inner contentment, and also fulfillment. And there are some distinctions here we all need to understand.

Contentment is simply accepting the present as being what it is—letting go of bitterness, resentment, anger, frustration, and the sting of all such negative emotions and attitudes. It doesn't require liking all that's present, or wanting it to continue, or even not planning to work hard to change things radically from being what they are to what they should be. It's merely a shedding of those negative emotions that get us all balled up and unable to move forward productively and well. 

The person with a measure of inner contentment finds things to focus on emotionally that are good, and that can be a basis for renewal and enjoyment and moving forward with whatever hard work needs to be done, A moment, or stretch, of intense discontent can motivate mightily, but extended, it begins to get in the way. You can set your heart with passion to work for a better future without requiring the ongoing fuel of anger or hatred. Those things are inwardly corrosive over time and tend to guide us to replace one unfortunate state of affairs with another, however well intentioned we might be. For more on this, see the history of revolutions.

Contentment says of the unpleasant, unfortunate, and unjust in the moment, "It is what it is." It takes a deep breath, gets back in touch with the best of inner motivations, like love and compassion, and goes to work with that oasis within needed for the longest stretches of travel through any arid desert.

Fulfillment is something different. It's experiencing an ongoing objective realization of your potential, and feeling that inside. It's objective before it's subjective. Whereas contentment is just an inner state, fulfillment is something in the outer world that reflects itself within. Put your talents to work for the good of others as well as yourse. Be a blessing to others. Work hard for justice and goodness and truth. And fulfillment will come, as long as that enemy of lingering discontent doesn't get and stay in the way.

Contentment and fultillment: Two foundations of that deep Aristotelian happiness that promotes excellence and full human flourishing in all things. May you experience both, in even the most trying of times.

Meditation: A Dogged Pursuit.

Meditation. So: What do you do?

Just sit still, go blank, and stew?

Or breathe real slow and notice your breath

Until nirvana, or you’re bored to death?

Should there be incense, a candle - zen kitsch

to distract that inner voice wanting to bitch?

Or could it be simply about taking a break

to feel any itch and pain and ache

in a body at peace, or a state of release, 

that allows your mindfulness to increase?

Sure, zenned out bliss may not arise,

but I do grab a rest when I close my eyes.

All things considered, whenever I've sat

it's been much better than chasing some cat.

- Inspired by the travails of Dan Harris, in 10% Happier, and a meditating dog.

Never Rush to Judgment

Think back to Thanksgiving for a moment. It's easy to imagine. You've done all your shopping for a great Thanksgiving dinner. You've had lists with you at the grocery store, and you've checked them off, just to be sure you got everything. You've even started prep cooking a day or two in advance. You've made sure that it will all go smoothly. Then, you wake up on Thanksgiving Day and realize you're missing one ingredient you thought you had - pumpkin spice. You can't believe you have to get dressed to go out first thing and take the time on such a busy day to drive all the way to the store for this one little item. How will you get everything done in time? Many of us would feel disappointed in ourselves, for our oversight, and maybe even frustrated or irritated at the extra trip. "I can't believe what an idiot I am! What a waste of time!"

Lisa Quam, a wife and mother in Washington state, had this happen to her this year. I don't know what she was feeling as she made her way to the store, but once there, she decided to also buy a newspaper, and a lottery ticket, something she only does on "special occasions." And if you don't already know the rest of the story, you can probably guess at least the outlines of it by now. Two weeks later, she discovered that she had won 90 million dollars.

When I came across this story the other day, it reminded me of how much time and energy we waste on thoughts and feelings that are unnecessary. We feel disappointed, or irritated, or even angry at a situation that ends up being very different from what we initially supposed, or that has positive consequences we never could have expected. That's why the most practical philosophers have urged us, in every age, never to rush to judgment about what can seem on the surface to be negative situations. A wise person maintains a spirit of calm acceptance in most circumstances, and even a mild curiosity about the unexpected and the initially unwanted.

Who knows when a small inconvenience could be your ticket to something great?

Patience and Waiting

Last time, we began to examine the view that patience is a virtue, by looking at the strengths of patience and the undesirable elements of impatience.

The patient person:

1. Subjectively has inner peace, confidence, and poise

2. Objectively has a calm demeanor and waits, when needed

The impatient person:

1. Subjectively has eagerness, anxiety, frustration, and even anger

2. Objectively has an action orientation, determination, persistence, but can also express frustration and anger

The subjective side of impatience is mostly negative. The objective side looks mostly positive, aside from the negative expression of unpleasant emotions. 

And yet, consider those positive qualities that an impatient person can possess, like a tendency to take action and persist. They can have unfortunate implications in certain situations.  An impatient person may act when waiting is better, and mess up everything in the process.  But then, a patient person may wait when acting is better, and miss an important opportunity in the process. So, what’s it best to be: patient or impatient? 

A virtue, by the way, is by definition a quality or habitual disposition that it’s always good to have. And haven’t we just seen that there are circumstances in which patience and impatience each are bad?

No, actually, not at all. Look again at our characterization of patience, subjectively and objectively. There are no circumstances in which those qualities would be bad to have. The patient person can wait when needed. The only negative sort of example we were able to give assumed waiting when it was both unneeded and counter-productive. The patient person can even share all the objectively positive qualities of the impatient go-getter: that action orientation, the persistence, determination, and even creativity in trying new things in pursuit of a goal. She just does all that with an inner calm that strengthens her and that the impatient person lacks.

Patience does look like a virtue. And impatience looks like a vice. Who needs all that negative emotion? But remember Aristotle's understanding of a virtue. Every virtue has two corresponding vices, a "too little" and a "too much." Connected to patience, the too little is obviously impatience. What's the too much? Clearly the tendency to wait even when waiting is not good, the tendency to simply quit and hope when beneficial action is still needed. We might jokingly say that such a person is "too patient," but that wouldn't literally be true, if patience is indeed a virtue and involves waiting only when it's needed.

So, in the end the only real puzzle is determining when it’s best to wait, and when it’s best to press ahead. And, as I mentioned last time, that requires discernment or wisdom. But more can be said as well. If you're in a situation where you're trying to make something happen, and it's not going as well or quickly as you wanted, you need to know whether to wait a bit longer or to act anew to push things along. You need to ask questions like these:

The Waiting Check List

1. Have I already done all I reasonably think I can do?

2. Is it even a little bit likely that further action would be counterproductive or alienating to others whose goodwill or assistance I might need?

3. Could my timetable itself be unreasonable, and based on insufficient considerations?

4. Am I possibly operating under any false assumptions about the need for things to happen now?

5. Could waiting patiently for a while allow me to do or develop other good things that impatient action would prevent?

If you get at least one "Yes" here, you have an indication that patient waiting might be good. The more affirmative answers, the more likely you should be patient and wait. For at least a while. But we always have to do cost/benefit analyses along the way. Waiting for a day or a week or a month can be desirable in situations where waiting a year or three years may not be, and could even be counterproductive. The more you know about your situation and what you're trying to make happen, the better you'll be able to do such analyses. But always ask yourself questions like these, above. And try to avoid the negative subjectives involved in the impatient mindset. A patient person can act with persistence, determination, and creativity, pushing and reminding, but without the detrimental emotions tied up with impatience. He or she just knows how to release and relax, and maintain the peaceful being that is behind masterful doing over the long run.

Patience, properly understood, can be an important virtue in an active life.