Partnering Up With Problems

There's so much great literature about the power of partnership precisely because it's so important in life. In fact, Aristotle's implicit formula in his book "Politics" for the peak of human good is "People in partnership for a shared purpose" (my words but his ideas). So The Iliad is all about partnership. So is The Three Musketeers and Dracula, surprising as that might be. My new novels are the same. People together can solve problems that were impossible to solve alone.

Yesterday, while doing a LinkedIn Live interview on video with the great Jan Rutherford, I had an epiphany. Jan asked whether struggles and difficulties and sufferings can strengthen and improve us. I said yes but added that it's in large part up to us how we use them. My insight, an idea I'd never had before, is that to benefit from a difficulty, we have to partner up with it.

That's quite a different sort of idea. How do most of us deal with difficulties or struggles? We seek to avoid them and when we can't, we seek mostly to endure them, often with lots of inner negativity. But what if we leaned in to our difficulties, our challenges, and even our struggles? What if we partnered up with them in a positive way?

Partnership is all about something beyond cooperation. It's about creative collaboration. All members to a partnership have to bring the best of their minds and hearts, their thoughts, emotions, attitudes, and energies into service to some purpose. Many ancient philosophers clued us in that difficulties can be opportunities well disguised. They come to us, often unexpected. We need to meet them creatively, embrace them, and not just run and hide and hope for the best. What does that mean? In a struggle or challenge, get creative. Open yourself to what the difficulty is bringing you and showing you and perhaps hinting about new possibilities. You'll have to be very active in meeting the problem to ferret out such stuff. Often it will take a further form of partnership with another person, or with a group of people. But it can be done.

A famous parable in the New Testament is about a sower and seed. A farmer throws seed out onto the ground. Much falls on shallow dirt that won't support it, or into weeds, or gets eaten by birds. But some falls on fertile soil. I once asked a biologist what fertile soil is. He said, well, by contrast, sterile soil has no microbes, no bacteria, no worms, no life of any kind. Fertile soil is full of activity and life. When seed hits fertile soil, the soil partners with the seed for a great result, actively contributing to new growth. Consider that you are soil.

One of our most common tendencies when a big new problem arises is to try to evade it or squash it and get back to the way things were before it arrived. But that can be a big mistake. The new difficulty may be hiding a new path forward that won’t take us back to where we were but to where we need to be instead. Partner up with the problem to see how.

Are you in a time of challenge or difficulty? Lean in. Partner up with it. It's bringing you lots of clear negatives, so bring it some positives to balance the energy and break open new possibilities. New growth can result.

Peaks, Valleys, and Wonder

When times are good, there's often a wonderful but dangerous illusion that things will never change. When times are bad, there's often a cruel and equally dangerous illusion that things will never change.

But things do change. And that can be either a shock or a relief, a source of grief or of joy.

In his recently published memoir, Even This I Get to Experience, my old friend Norman Lear recalls that on his sixtieth birthday, his daughter Kate in a toast described him as someone who "walks through life's peaks and valleys with equal wonder." What a rare and tremendous thing to say, and, really, what an amazing attribute to have.

There are peaks and valleys, aren't there? And the journey we're on now has to involve them both. Try to embrace each with equal wonder and a readiness for whatever comes next.

We live amid mysteries and, in the end, it's all a wonder.

Difficulty: How Much Can You Take?

"Nothing happens to anyone that he's not formed by nature to bear." Marcus Aurelius.

We are all, in one way or another, products of nature, whether you view the universe as a realm of divinely created nature, or in some other way. Calamities and disappointments, pains and troubles are then all also offshoots of the overall system of nature as well, viewed in the broadest possible scope. Any bad thing is then in some sense nature affecting nature. I think this is part of the background of Emperor Marcus Aurelius’ assurance that we are prepared by nature to deal with anything that comes our way.

From this point of view, there's not a problem for which no solution exists. The system that's given rise to the problem has also provided the resources we can access to deal with the problem. So we can be comforted in this assurance, however difficult our experience at times might be.

We fear being overwhelmed. We need not ever be. We have major resources, beyond what we understand.

The devout have been saying it longer than determined stoics like Marcus have. God will never put on you more than you can bear. Struggle is meant to elicit strength. Difficulty never exceeds the possibility for hope. And sometimes, the best way to deal with a difficulty is release.

In one of my favorite books ever, The Measure of My Days, Florida Scott Maxwell reflects back on her life from her eighties and expresses how surprised she is that the things hardest for her to bear, those difficulties, or developments in life that she least liked at the time, eventually gave rise to the qualities of character within her that she most treasures. That's the way it's supposed to work.

Have you been feeling overwhelmed by a problem, or do you know anyone who’s feeling that way? If you can put into use this great stoic philosopher’s insight, you can open yourself to the inner peace and confidence you need to face the future well and without fear.