Tony Robbins is known for saying: “Stop shoulding all over yourself!” And that gets both smiles and naughty laughs from his audiences. Then he offers them the opportunity to walk on hot coals because he thinks they “should.” What’s interesting is that he also thinks he “should” say certain things in his talks and not others, and he thinks he “should” warn us about the word “should” and the mindset it can represent. But it isn’t just Tony. Recently, I’ve heard or seen some of my favorite people either criticize the word “should,” express misgivings over it, or advise against it. And that makes me want to look into it more. But first: I get how it can represent a mindset of ongoing and nearly helpless self-observing self-deprecating or demeaning guilt, as in constant inner repetitions of: “I should eat better/sleep more/exercise daily/meditate regularly/read more books by Tom Morris and not Tony Robbins/spend less time on social media/calm down/do more for others.
But let’s look more deeply. You can imagine by now that I think we should.
Origins: The word “should” comes from the Old English sceolde, a past tense of a verb that meant “to owe” or “be obliged to.” It also traces back to a Proto-Germanic root meaning “to owe” or “be obligated.” Its meaning has evolved over centuries from financial debt to the expression of moral obligation or prudential desirability that we use today.
My wife bought a pair of Merrill hiking shoes but didn’t like the color so she ordered a different color saying, “I hope they fit the same.” I said, “They’re just a different color so they SHOULD.” There, the word expressed a solid expectation that has nothing to do with duty or obligation, unless of course we think shoe companies have an obligation of consistency with sizing. But even so, I didn’t have that in mind, but probabilities based on past experience. “It should rain later today.” No cloud has a duty to drop rain later. This usage is about evidence and expectation and is not mentioned in any etymology I can find, and yet is common.
I’ve been walking in the morning when my mind is clearest for philosophy. I recently realized I "should" change my schedule, write in the morning, and walk after lunch. There, my “should” has nothing to do with moral duty or probabilistic expectation, but is a “heuristic” – a discovery term. I’m realizing or discovering what it would be in my best interests to do. It’s a version of “I’ve been doing x, y would be better, therefore I SHOULD do y, and I think I CAN do y, thus, I WILL do y.” It’s a transitional term in decision making. Here it isn’t about helplessness or guilt, but the opposite—it’s about discovering and deciding a new path of action.
Of course, “should” is also used as a synonym for “ought” in our moral thinking, as well as in expression of aspirational ideals. And I believe we "should" think morally as well as have aspirational ideals.
Am I missing something? Am I shoulding all over myself? SHOULD I just stop with "should" altogether? I should very much like to hear your take, on the basis of all this. And yeah, you just caught another usage.
